Communication: The Conversation You Have With Yourself First

At the start of a seminar, I ask one question: what is psychology? Answers come quickly - motivation, emotion, behaviour, the brain. All true, but the full picture is more subtle.

Here is my view: psychology is, at its core, about direct communication.

Not the written kind that fills our inboxes or texts, but spoken word. Face to face, voice to voice. The conversations that shape relationships at work and at home. And, most importantly, the conversations we have with ourselves.

It's often that inner voice that proves hardest to hear, yet it sets the tone for everything else. Too often, we look first for ways to influence others, missing the fact that effective communication begins within.

In truth, success across any conversation depends on two skills: listening deeply, and staying flexible.

Listening - not just waiting to reply but genuinely taking in what's said and unsaid - allows you to adapt and respond with authenticity. Flexibility means shaping your message in a way that aligns with the other person's experience. Without these, even the most carefully crafted words can fall flat.

There is also a quieter factor at play: respect. Not merely for what is spoken, but for how it's spoken - tone, pace, pauses, all the space between words. Meeting someone on their own wavelength is the most reliable path to understanding.

Perhaps most surprising is this: words account for less than ten per cent of what's communicated. The remainder is conveyed in posture, expression, tone - and that potent silence between sentences. Culture, gender, and personal history all colour these signals. If you listen only to the words, you miss the full meaning.

No wonder that the most important conversations - especially those with ourselves - are best had out loud. Once we embrace the full spectrum of communication, something shifts. Work discussions flow more smoothly. More meaningful connections spark at home. And gradually, we realise that adapting our own approach is where the real breakthrough starts.

At the end of the day, whether addressing a team or talking with a teenager, the two qualities that matter most are adaptability and listening - not only to what's said, but to everything that lies just beneath the surface.

← All articles